It has been quite some time since I posted anything and tonight I feel like writing...Monday was one of those days that made me realize how much I have been repressing, so here it goes...
As I sat through a funeral for a dear ward member, Carla Niesen, tears came and I was overcome with emotion, not only because of the immense sadness that I felt for the Niesen family but because of all the loss in my own life that I had not really grieved. This past year has been one of the most trying for our family. And yet I have been able to sort of keep on truckin along as if none of it touched me or caused me any pain what so ever. I think I told myself all the right stuff, like... it will be ok, its in the Lord's hands, something will break soon...but here's the deal, even though I totally believe those things...I have not allowed myself to grieve and I realize I never even cried at my own Father's funeral.
I think that I have somehow convinced myself that to have faith or to be positive means that you can't or shouldn't grieve...I mean how many times do we say "I'm fine, or I'm good" when we are really feeling like a piece of crap. When I see it written here on the page I realize how ridiculous that is...We all suffer pain and loss at various times in our lives and it is not realistic to say that we shouldn't grieve...that's like saying, we shouldn't breathe...
So on Monday the dam broke and I have been crying for days...allowing myself to really FEEL the loss of my Father, loss of income, loss of my home, losses of good friends, loss of dreams...While I know in my heart that I have no control and that the Lord does indeed know and understand everything that I am and will ever go through, doesn't mean that I shouldn't feel.
Life isn't meant to be easy, it is full of twists and turns...And yes while "men are that they might have joy" they are also meant to FEEL deeply, madly and truly.
