A Funny Thing Happened After the Trunk or Treat...

I don't know if it is just my mood lately or I have had some sort of epiphany...but last night after the Adobe Ward trunk-or-treat, I had this very distinct feeling come over me that this was no longer my home...Don't get me wrong it was so nice to see good friends and visit, but it was like all of a sudden the thought came to me, this is NOT my home any more...

Since we moved I have been in this blinding state of grief and I seriously closed myself off to making any new friends in our not so new ward...I have been getting in my own way...So I determined to open my heart to new possibilities no matter where I am, in this ward, or in life...

I have not really felt like myself for some time now...it is so weird how things happen in clusters...one minute you're going along living your life and the next everything changes and I mean EVERYTHING...lost job, lost father, lost house, lost ward, lost identity, lost mind!! got new job, rent new house, got new ward, got new identity, got new frame of mind...

I must say that while I love WHAT I do, I do NOT like working outside my home...I don't like the pressure of being the sole support for my family...I have a whole new perspective of how Doug must have felt all these years (or is it the same for men?)...and he has a whole new perspective of how hard it is to be a stay-at-home Dad! this is a good thing even though it is one of the hardest things we have ever had to do...I really hope that this changes soon because I am exhausted and I would really love to work part time and be home again...I still want to be a therapist I LOVE being a therapist...just don't ever want to do it FULL time :)

I am grateful for life's ups and downs, I truly am...this is what makes us who we are...I like who I am, I like who I am becoming and I have HOPE for the future, whatever it brings.

"It's Kind of a Funny Story"...

I loved this movie! I have been thinking about it ever since I saw it on Friday... the message was about discovering your true self...who ever that is. Not someone else's idea or expectation of who you "should/shouldn't" be. Life is short so just LIVE!!

Lately I have been reading a book that has brought back to my attention the destructive nature of "PERFECTIONISM." This notion is not new to me, I have always known on some instinctual level that perfectionism is NOT healthy. So I saw this movie and it sort of clicked in a way that had not before. Then I came across this quote:

"YOU ARE PERFECT... A flower is simple
its message is true;
The earth is happy,
there are people like you~
just as you are!

Wow, the pressure To be all that you can be, to achieve all that you can achieve, and to help all that you can help! But here's the truth: You can't possibly be any more than you now are. you are perfect; "it" is done; the plan is unfolding..." (Mike Dooley, Choose them Wisely)

Since I have been on this earth and learning about myself in relation to the world around me, one message has been very clear..."you can always be better!!" So my question is... when is it ever GOOD ENOUGH??? And who gets to decide???

We set these impossible standards and expectations for ourselves, and those around us, in an attempt to prove to everyone how splendid we are...WHO is really watching??? or JUDGING??? Then, when we don't reach the impossible, we tell ourselves it's because we aren't good enough, or strong enough, or whatever enough...a vicious cycle that breeds low self esteem/worth, depression, anxiety and a host of other disorders, begins and then we are like hamsters on our spinning wheels forever running but getting NOWHERE...

IT IS ENOUGH!! I AM ENOUGH!! WE ARE ALL ENOUGH!!

Life is a beautiful symphony...with all of its joys and sorrows, ups and downs...we each add to the music in different ways, making it a far richer experience... I just want to enjoy it, and live in a way that honors who I am...I am NOT perfect, I don't want to be...I want to be authentic. True to myself, good to myself and others, and becoming the woman I am meant to be...

Spring has Sprung!!

I took the week off from work to spend some quality time with the family and to sort of "re-claim" my life! It has been so long since I have been able to just relax...and BLOG :)

I love this time of year...when the weather is beautiful and we all remember why we live in AZ...we went to the lake today and BBQ'd. Holden and I sat by the water and read books while Maya swam and Doug got the coals ready to cook the food :) We thoroughly enjoyed spending time together as a family (it has been a while).  We were joined by Grandma Nevie and Grandpa Dwayne, it was fun to be with them and listen to stories of "the old days." We missed Zoe, but look forward to seeing her soonish.

This week I have been able to stay up late and watch movies and tv shows that I have missed....no more DVR :(... I have been reading books and gone shopping with Maya...thank goodness for Old Navy and their 50% of clearance prices!

Yesterday I got to sit outside and enjoy the backyard with a good friend...SOOOO needed that!! I even got a little bit of sun so I don't look like a pasty codfish!

3 more days of freedom!! I want to get a pedicure and a facial, see more movies and read more books...I wish I had a magic wand and could make time slow down...

I am so glad I took this time to spend my "vacation" at home with my family....I didn't realize how much I needed it!

Year 42

I must say that I really like having a birthday in January... Not only is it the beginning of a new calendar year, but also a new year in my life here on planet earth. I love words and quotes and I tend to look them up quite often.  When I came across this one by Mother Teressa, I new that these would be my goals for this and many more years to come:

"People are often unreasonable and self-centered. Forgive them anyway. 

 

If you are kind, people may accuse you of ulterior motives. Be kind anyway.

If you are honest, people may cheat you. Be honest anyway.

If you find happiness, people may be jealous. Be happy anyway.

The good you do today may be forgotten tomorrow. Do good anyway.

Give the world the best you have and it may never be enough. Give your best anyway.

For you see, in the end, it is between you and God. It was never between you and them anyway.

Life is an opportunity, benefit from it.
Life is beauty, admire it.
Life is a dream, realize it.
Life is a challenge, meet it.
Life is a duty, complete it.
Life is a game, play it.
Life is a promise, fulfill it.
Life is sorrow, overcome it.
Life is a song, sing it.
Life is a struggle, accept it.
Life is a tragedy, confront it.
Life is an adventure, dare it.
Life is luck, make it.
Life is too precious, do not destroy it.
Life is life, fight for it."
— Mother Teresa

 

I love the HOPE that these words inspire within me... I hope they inspire you as well.